Have you ever had days where you truly despise yourself? That has been how I've been feeling lately. Outwardly, I know I give off a nice enough air most of the time, but internally I feel I am a horrible person. As a Christian, I know this to be true, but I also know that Christ has redeemed me and made me clean. Lately, I have really begun to notice just how much I haven't allowed him to change me. I see it in my negative attitude towards certain people and my lack of patience towards the kids at work(a day care). Don't worry, I am not abusing them or anything near that. I just used to have unwavering patience even for the troubling kids, but lately I've become burnt out and lose patience easily. I hate it and try to keep it at bay. I'm even being a bad example to my young impressionable co teacher. So, Friday I was having a particularly rough morning, and really not liking my thoughts which in turn made me despise myself even more. When I have these days, it's like I see just one more nail in my eternally single coffin. I went on my break and discovered my brother had emailed me. It is amazing how God works. My brother rarely emails and is not someone who shares his feelings openly very often, but he apparently felt God's leading because most of his email was telling me he loved me and that I am a very lovable and even a likable person. He told me to keep trusting God, and in his timing God will provide a spouse for me. It really was what I needed to hear. I have done so well this week eating healthily and exercising, but the changes that need to be made in me need to start from the inside. I don't think I will ever be truly content with myself-even if I lose every inch and every pound I need to lose physically. Spiritually and emotionally, I will never be content with who I am until I give my whole self over to God. I just don't know how to do this and my pride is still too much in the way to allow me to ask for help from someone I know. If anyone out there wants to give me advice-feel free:-)

Momentum

It's amazing how momentum keeps you going. Yeah, yeah I know "objects in motion stay in motion...". Still the theory applies to mental momentum as well as physical. This weekend I managed to get my butt off the couch both Sat. and Sun for at least enough time to exercise. I also didn't eat terribly either. My plan is to eat sensibly, but not completely cut out all the yummy foods that God allowed man to create. Whenever, I go gung ho on some fancy diet I follow it consistently for a time, but then I get a craving for something and I binge and give up on the whole diet. I will never "diet" again. I want to consistently improve my over all eating style-eventually eating more healthily than unhealthily. I will enjoy a slice of pizza when the opportunity arises or have that bowl of ice cream when I feel like it, but in moderation. I will never be a skinny mini in a size 6- my body is not built like that. Seriously-I'm not just saying that b/c I'm lazy and I know I'll never work hard enough to get there. I think I would look anorexic as a size 6. While I am fat, I'm also naturally muscular. I think, had I not let my eating get out of control when I was younger- I would have been built like a gymnast. Or I should say, I am built like a gymnast-I have just covered it up with a few layers of blubber. As I continue to keep my momentum going I will take off some of those layers. I do not have unrealistic goals for myself or my body. My biggest goal is to lose 50 lbs. I've never lost more than 22 at any one time and for the last 7 years I've fluctuate within that 22 lbs. This time around I want it to be a slower progression over 8-12 months as opposed to the drastic 20 lb weight loss in 3-4 mo and then the slow gain back. If after losing 50 lbs I still have left over weight that needs to disappear I will work harder at toning things to lose that extra. Wow, that was a definite rabbit trail. Back to my original point-as long as I can keep my momentum going, I can keep on track. I think having added a blog to occasionally share my ups and downs will help keep the momentum. Another way I've decided to help with the momentum is to join sparkpeople.com. It's a free website that allows you to track what you eat, your daily exercise, how many calories you burn and many other things. In some ways it can be depressing if you keep track of everything you eat and drink and it's not very healthy, but when you are staying on track-it's very encouraging!!

Invisible?

Why is it that the bigger you are, the more invisible you feel? This is an oxymoron-the bigger you are means you are taking up more space and should be easier to see and yet we are more invisible than ever. Sizewise-I fall in the middle of the category-I am definitely plus size, but I'm in the bottom of the sizing in plus size stores. Even with being what America's actual average size is-I still feel judged by all those people who have never had a weight problem. Seriously, how many of those people have ever really had to work at keeping their size? I know the majority of women are on some form of diet, however most of them are trying to lose weight that doesn't really need to be lost. They are losing it to be part of the smallest percentage of people in the U.S. Why is it that 2 % of the population of women have ruined it for the other 98% of us? I am usually a well dressed, put together woman. I rarely leave the house without looking presentable. Usually I feel slightly over dressed b/c the whole casual dress does not always look the best on my body frame. So, considering I'm over dressed, I tend to stand out a bit and yet I don't feel like I am really noticed. My friends see me so I'm not completely invisible. So, how do I make the step from being invisible with new people to being visible like I am with friends? How do I throw off my inhibitions and become the girl I feel inside-to everyone around me not just to a very select group of friends. I want to feel beautiful- inside and out- just as I am. Until I can do that, will I ever be able to break out of my self induced invisibility. Here's another question- do I have to completely change myself to feel beautiful? Or, can I find the beautiful me without having to lose weight? Not that I don't want to get healthier, but I don't feel like I should have to lose weight or drastically change any part of me to be beautiful. Any advice out there?

Living with Intention!

It is amazing, how, when God wants you to grasp something and actually apply it to your life, he bombards you with chances to realize what he wants you to learn!!! For example, at my Life Group(Lg), a Bible Study based from my church, we talked about noticing what is going on around us and to act on ways we can do things for others. Then between last night and today I've read two different books which discussed "living with intention". God is constantly around me-blessing me and giving me opportunities to bless others. But, so often I lose out on blessing others by not being willing to take the challenge and step out of my comfort zone. Living with intention essentially means to make each day the best you can by paying attention and making the choices to move forward. Dr. Steve Stephens, author of 20 Surprisingly Simple Rules and Tools for a Great Day, stated " Your life is the sum of the choices you make." That statement is so true!!! When I make the choice to sit on my tush, watch TV and eat unhealthy, I am choosing to gain weight. When I choose to exercise and eat healthy I am taking a step toward getting healthy. Each choice is one that must be decided every day and the culmination of them in a week, a month or a year is that I really see the results of my choices. While it is a simple choice to make each day, it is not an easy choice to make. Each day desires, hormones, stress levels and so many other factors come into play and make that choice that much harder to choose the right response. Stephens also states "Choices are incredibly powerful, but they can also be frightening because intentional proactive choices involve risk." Again, a very true point. The outcome of each choice is hanging in the balance and my mind brings up so many fears that more often than not cause me to chose inactivity. In the same way I choose to eat healthy or unhealthy, I choose to spend some form of time with my God or not to spend time with him. In some ways I think I am in fear of what God would have me do and what he will provide for me, which is partially why I chose to avoid Him. I believe that is an underlying fear, but I also know that it is all out laziness that keeps me from making time for Him each day. I don't want to get to the end of my life and wonder if any of my choices changed the world around me in a positive way. I want to know that the choices I made, made a difference for the better, even if it was in a small way. Deut. 30:19 "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses...Oh, that you would choose life."

Baby Steps

In everyone's life there are new experiences. Some may be thrust upon us and others are by our own making. In very rare instances do we excel at something the first time we experience it. In most cases, we have to take baby steps and as we continue to practice we continue to get better. As babies, we first start to stand up, very wobbly and then confidently. The next step is to put one foot in front of the other. More than likely we fell down after that first step, but we got up again. Whether it was immediately or a few minutes later, we still got up and tried again. This is how we should view all the new goals we may want to set. So often when I decide I need to change something, whether it be my weight(That's an on going battle that waxes and wanes.), how often I clean my house, getting my spiritual life to a new level or any number of other things, I don't see results fast enough and I expect to run, but instead I barely crawl and I give up before I ever really began. What I really need to do is be ready to pick myself up after I fall because that is the process we take to reach our desired achievements. Yesterday, I began my journey. I did in fact exercise before I went to bed-I know, you're not really supposed to do that, but it didn't keep me from falling asleep. I started a turbo jam dvd that I had just gotten from the library. Let me tell you- it's not an easy routine to follow if you don't have dance, boxing or kickboxing knowledge and you've not started with a training dvd. I did about 15 min, but what was too tired to try to follow it. Instead I put in a Ten Minute Trainer Dvd and did that in addition to the the 15 min I did of Turbo Jam. It's a great feeling to finish a workout and know you did something good for your body. However, I have never felt the rush of energy or the natural "high" people say they get after a workout. Maybe only skinny people get this feeling. In addition to starting to take better care of my body, I also began my new spiritual journey. It was definitely not a huge start, but still a baby step. By the time I finished my workout and was ready for bed it was too late to do a full on 30-60 min devo time, but I did begin a new Spiritual Growth book and tonight plan on having a true devotional time. Something I have been doing to help me has been to listening to The Bible Experience as I fall asleep. I've been doing this for a couple months and I'm loving it. It's amazing how much more I'm catching when I'm listening to it. Plus, it is read verbatim from the TNIV, but it's acted out with feeling and the sound effects of the back ground noises make you feel like you are part of the story unfolding. Overall, I think it was a good first day of the rest of my life. How about you? Are you having a good day? Have your goals been reached? Is it time to start fresh with a new perspective?

This IS the first day of the rest of my life!!!

Well, this is a new experience for me. I have thought about creating a blog for a couple of years now, but recently I've decided I actually have something to say now. My first posting will just be my why.... This is the physical me(and a little more)-A 28 yr old Christian woman who weighs around 200 lbs (give or take a few lbs). I'm 5'2" with an hour glass shape, at least I have that going for me, but still I could definitely stand to lose a few or 50 lbs. I get told I am beautiful (but what that really means is -you could be gorgeous if you lost a few lbs), and yet @ 28 I've never had a boyfriend. While I'd love to say it's because I'm picky-in reality it's because no one has ever asked me out. Maybe it's because I am naive and don't read the signs so I miss the subtle hints or maybe no has ever been interested. Whatever the reason, the older I get, the lower my self esteem gets. I have been told real men like a woman with a little meat on their bones, but I've yet to meet that "real" man. Is a God fearing, church going, brown eyed guy who likes a little extra meat on my bones really so hard to find? The answer is...ABSOLUTELY!!! Oh, a few more physical facts about me-I have green eyes and naturally curly hair(usually some form of red-depending on my mood). One last bit about me-I love, love, love coffee-especially Carmel Macchiatos!!! This is the mental/spiritual me-I am a Christian/Christ follower. I am also a PK(pastor's kid), so I was born into a Christian family-however, I did not inherit my faith, I recognized my need for a savior at a young age. Since then, my faith has coasted with a few ups and more downs than I like to admit. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior and he loves me unconditionally, but sometimes I don't feel that love. I want to have a passion for Christ. A passion to share my faith with those around me. My faith right now is coasting. I am going through the motions, but I don't feel like I am getting anything out of my walk with Christ. For the rest of my personal facts, I am an introvert in most social settings. Online and with close friends and family I can be extroverted but am never the life of the party. I love having close friends but hate the beginning awkward stage of making new friends. I hate the fact that if a few friends are going to a party, even if I know I'll know several people there, I still practically break out in hives just trying to motivate myself to go. So, this is my mission for this blog. I want to improve my life and I think if I begin to get readers, you will keep me motivated to "keep on, keeping on". I want to get healthier(I will never be a size 4 nor do I want to be, but a size 10 would be perfectly lovely) and I want grow spiritually. Here are my goals for the week.

1. Exercise 4 times by next Tuesday. By exercise I mean- at least 20 min of aerobic or strenth training.
2. Have some form of quiet time 4-5 days. To reflect on what God is doing in my life, thru a devotional book, journaling, or straight up reading my Bible.
3. Pay attention to the people around me and stop being so dang egocentric.

On that note, I will sign off and go exercise. Might as well start reaching toward my goal.