Finally...Some Success!!!

I can't remember when I officially signed up for Reshape the Nation, but it was the beginning of last week and that week was a "high carb" week, so while I didn't gain any weight the first few days, I didn't lose any either. Another reason is I allowed myself some "rewards" even when it was not scheduled. Nothing major, but still not totally following the official program. It was somewhat intentional, in that i wasn't emotionally ready to go full fledged. This last week was supposed to only have one reward day, but due plans with friends I actually had two reward days in a row. Thursday was the official day and I just did a Cinnamon Dolce latte for my reward. The rest of the day I tried to eat fully on track and I did only allowing myself that one reward. Friday, a friend was going to buy me dinner, but it was a lo carb day, so I kept with that plan, but figured I'd try to get something close to the plan for dinner. I ended up not really wanting anything for dinner from where she was going, so instead she got me a Pumpkin Pie Blizzard! Wow, am I addicted to those. Seriously, if you like the pumpkin spice products that come out around Thanksgiving, you have got to try it! While she was out getting her dinner and our blizzards, I went ahead and made my dinner and I just cut out the "carb" from the meal, and had the blizzard.  So, for officially following the diet for a week I lost 5 lbs even though I "cheated". Five pounds lost in a week is awesome for any person trying to lose weight, but for me and the fact that I haven't been able to drop weight and keep it off, this is amazing. If I can keep this up and even maintain/lose about 3 lbs every week, I will definitely lose my weight and get down to 155 by the end of the year! If I do it, it will be the lightest my parents and one of my brother's has ever seen me at, since every time I've gotten down to this weight, has been far enough in between  family get togethers that I had put back at least 10 lbs by the time I did see them. I think this, more than anything, is motivating me right now (that and my clothes are almost too snug!). I know my family loves me, regardless of what I weigh, but I want them to be proud of me for maintaining all the hard work I have attained!

Chris Powell's Reshape the Nation

Well, I should be writing a paper about creating a patient complaint committee, I'd rather write freestyle to my few anonymous readers:-)

So, as I mentioned the other day, I have found a new eating plan that I am hoping will help me turn the corner from plateauing/gaining weight and actually help me drop the 15 I'm trying to lose by the end of the year. I can't remember if I mentioned watching Dr. Oz a couple weeks ago and seeing Chris Powell on the show. He is the man that the Extreme Makeover Weight loss Edition follows each week as he helps an extremely obese person drop a considerable amount of weight in a year. I liked his general idea behind the carb cycling-(eating all complex/healthy carbs) having days where you have some form of carb at every meal-eating 5 meals a day and then having days of having just a few carbs in your meals. I won't go into too much detail-don't want to get in trouble for sharing secrets. After seeing Chris again on Dr. Oz, I decided to look him up to see if he had any sort of website and sure enough it's called Reshape the Nation. Comparing it to other programs the general idea is great, but it takes a lot of searching to finally figure out your meal plan and portion sizes. I will say the price is decent for these types of programs. I decided to join for the 3 month plan. That will give me the support I need through the middle of January-so the holidays will be covered.

I unofficially started on Tuesday of this last week. Technically speaking, I followed the program pretty closely, however, my plan only allows for "fats" first thing in the morning. I have read a lot of information over the last couple of years about how important MUFAs are and how fat does not make you fat. So, at least to start with, I am not going to cut out all the fats. I will limit them, but not cut them out like my meal plan requires. This last week I also allowed myself a little reward on most of the days, not completely restricting myself like it was listed. Today is a reward day(you are allowed certain days to have a treat-whatever you are craving), so I plan to go totally strict, minus the healthy fats, tomorrow.

In addition to not being totally mentally ready to go hard core, I also had an oven incident on Monday and have not been able to use the oven, so preparing all the protein last week was out of the question. My oven incident is a comical but scary situation. I got home from work on Monday, hit the bake button to preheat and then went to change clothes. When I walked  back into the kitchen to begin chopping my veggies for my dish, I noticed a flickering glow in the oven. I opened the door and saw a small 1 in. flame in the back left on the baking element. I quick turned the oven off and the flame went down, but the metal on the element was white hot. My sister and I had used the oven all day on Saturday, so I initially assumed it was just something that had fallen on the element from Saturday. I let the oven cool down for a couple hours and then went to wipe down the element so it didn't start on fire again. As I'm rubbing the rag over the blackened area I realize it's actually really hard and snagging on my rag. I grabbed a Flathead screwdriver and just lightly but firmly tried to scrape it off instead, but it didn't do anything. At this point I realized it was not something baked onto the element, but the element itself had started on fire and melted. My brother came yesterday and took the element out. I then called Frigidaire and was told the part was only covered under a 1 yr warranty so I would have to buy a new part. Thankfully it was just the part and not the entire oven. I was able to order the part online for $20, so I'm just out a couple hours of babysitting money and without an oven for another week. Once I get the part and install it, I should be good to go with prepping my food and having a little more variety for this Reshape the Nation eating plan.

On a good note, I was at least able to lose a little bit of the weight I gained last weekend and am almost down to where I can start counting on my countdown again! Maybe by next weekend I'll be able to put a new pound lost on my tracker!

Putting God in a Box...

At my Life Group (LG), a Sermon Based Bible study, this week we talked about distorted views of God and how those distorted views can discourage our walk with God. One of the guys in the group talked about how he tends to put God in a box and doesn't allow himself to experience the full power of God. One of the statements he made was that he had to step back and "be amazed" at God and all he can do. So often that is how I feel. I grew up in a Christian home and my dad is a pastor so I've been surrounded by God and church my whole life. As horrible as it is to say, I have become calloused to all God does and can do. I hate that I am this way and I don't know how to change. One of the ways I can do that is by stepping back and being in awe of all the God moments in my life and by letting God out of the box I've created and put him in. I guess it will take baby steps, but hopefully I will get there sooner than later!

Frustrations in weightloss

Over the last couple weeks my weight has seriously fluctuated. I thought some of it might have been pms, but then my period came and went and the weight did not. Then to add insult to injury, I had a weekend of not being careful. It was an awesome weekend, but did not help my weight gain/loss situation.

My sister and I try to get together for a girls weekend every few months and it had definitely been awhile since we've been able to spend more than a few minutes together. So, I got off work a little early and we did some errands and then came back to my place. We chatted and just had a good time. I had gotten a coupon for a free pizza from Papa John's, so that began my weekend of junk food. We then stayed up til almost 3 in the morning and got up close to 10, so not a horrible night's sleep, but not great. Saturday we started off eating ok, but then she had to bake cookies and of course we had to eat some cookie dough and a cookie or two. No real activitiy at all on Saturday, just sisterly bonding time. She had to leave around 5 and then a close friend that now lives out of state came to stay through Monday morning. We headed to another friend's house for a pizza party. His pizza parties are always unique. He is a master chef when it comes to pizza. The piece I tried was his version of a MonteCristo-swiss cheese, french toast, ham, jelly and plain or vanilla yogurt drizzled over top. The initial flavor was too sweet, but then it actually tasted pretty good. I'm not sure it would be a flavor I would order in a restaurant, but still pretty good. My friend and I, I'll call her C, stayed up til 1 on Saturday, but then I had to get up at 8 Sunday. Lack of sleep really screws with my weight. I had a meeting at church, but then headed home around 11:30. The rest of the day C and I relaxed and ate fairly healthy, minus the small pumpkin pie blizzard. I stayed up til after 11 on Sunday which was great to spend a little more time with C, but horrible for my body. Overall I put weight back on and am now struggling to take it off. C met me on my break and we went for a walk. So far this week I have tried to be very careful and I know I took some of it off, but I didn't weight the last two days. I officially weigh myself on Thur. a.m.'s, so hopefully I will be close to where I was the middle of last week. I'm just hoping to even out. Starting Monday I'm going ultra conservative with my weight-although I'm working my way into that ultra conservative and would have gone full fledged right away, but life is too busy and I am not going to stress completely over it. It may take me a little longer, but I refuse to obsess and continue to keep my weight as an idol in my life. I have to find a balance between eating healthy, with an occasional treat. I decided to try a new "diet"-Chris Powell's Reshape the Nation and I will talk about that in a new entry (once I get it figured out a little more) rather than make this extremely long. Needless to say, I'm having to go back to being considerably more structured with my eating and preparations for my eating. Trying to be more relaxed about it is only causing me to gain weight or stay stagnant at a weight I do not want to be at. I cannot keep going up and with the holidays just around the corner, I need to have my body in burn mode and my mind in a place where I can enjoy the holidays, but still be careful throughout those candy and cookie filled days. I'm still hoping to be down to 155 by Christmas. The last 20 I'll worry about in January.

Blessings of a Sister!

I know there are many families that do not get along and do everything possible to avoid each other. That is not my family. I consider us a modern day Brady Bunch-only without the cheesiness. We love getting together and spend several days together on family vacation during the summer and then at Christmas. There is a rather large age gap between my siblings and myself. My brothers are 8 and 10 years older than myself and my sister is 13 years older. Even with that gap, they all worked hard to not allow the age gap to distance our relationship. My brothers would take me on "dates" and my sister always made sure to have me at her house for a sister weekend, even when I was young. Now at almost 31 and 43 we still enjoy having a sister weekend and getting together for an impromptu lunch(which doesn't happen often). Today was one of those days. I was able to get off work early, and decided to see if she wanted an interruption to her work day. We decided to go to lunch which turned into a 2 1/2 hour affair and then we moved next door to coffee and sat for another 2 1/2 hours. We talked about everything under the sun. Work struggles, family (or for me, lack of family) struggles, weight loss or gain-frustrations, movies ....We are in two totally different times in life. I'm single, wanting a husband and family, in school and looking for a new job. She is married has three kids that are rapidly aging and will all be out of the house in the next 4 years. Even with such different lives, we still have much in common. We both struggle with our weight and have for years. We have tried many diets together and some things we tweak to our own lifestyle at the time. We have both reached the point in our weight loss journey where we know trying all the gimmicks and "diets" just do not work for our bodies. Our emotions are similar, but stem from different places in our lives so we are not completely in the same place. Even still, having this shared bond has been a great encouragement for me. I know I am not the only person dealing with similar struggles. We are able to encourage each other to keep working and to not give up on our health. However we have both come to the realization that we may be stuck in the size we are at now, even with eating healthy and exercise.
In addition to the usual sisterly bonds, it always amazes me how one of us will comment on something in church or from the Daily Audio Bible for the day, that convicted us. Frequently, the other one will have had similar convictions. I don't know if that is good or bad? Are we feeding off of each other or is it just that we have enough similarities to our personalities that we deal with the same struggles in life. Since we don't see each other all that often, I'm thinking it's our personality similarities:-). Whatever the case may be, it is nice to know I am not the only one that deals with certain issues. Now, the next area I need to work on in my life is correcting and changing my ways when I am convicted for something.

Confessions of an Idol worshipper

Wow, God has really been drilling into me the fact that my entire life is filled with idols. Too often I hear a sermon or read a passage of scripture about "idols" and immediately picture Buddha or some other stone idol/monument set up for some ancient god. Well, I can certainly check that off my list of things I don't have to worry about. There is not a single stone idol or image of a god in my house-I must be a good Christian. "Not so fast," God says, "what is that big box sitting on the stand in the living room? Don't you sit and stare at it for hours throughout your week? How often do you read the Bible? How often do you talk to me?" If I am spending more hours in my day watching TV, reading my fictional books, checking out friend's statuses on Facebook and finding virtually anything else to do in my day, BUT talk to God or read his word-I have idols in my life. An idol is really just something we spend a large amount of our time thinking about putting all our passion into. Do you know how often I have obsessed about my weight over my life time, but specifically the last two years? I don't even want to begin to count the hours of time I have spent watching TV. And yet, I I have such a hard time praying and talking to God. If I have a choice of catching up on my favorite TV show or reading the Bible-the TV show is probably going to win 9 times out of 10. Somehow, I have to get to the place in my life, where my passion is God. Where the first thing I think about when I wake up is to praise God and thank him for another day (ok, I may never get to that being the first thing, since the first thing is always "I just want to sleep a little bit longer..."). Where I can honestly say, I actually thought about God throughout the day and not only when I realized I was doing something wrong and apologized for it. I don't know exactly how or when I will get to that place in my life, but I pray that it will happen someday.

I heard an interview with Lisa Harper this morning on WNWC 102.5. Lisa was talking about how she works with women who deal with addictions and how they realize their need for help and that they cannot get clean and sober without help. She then compared it to the Biblical story of the paralyzed man by the pool. Jesus asked the man what he needed, even though it was plain to see what the man wanted from him. It was only after the man said he wanted to be healed...to be able to walk, that Jesus said, "Pick up your mat and walk." God knows all our needs, wants, desires.... When we talk to him and tell him all our fears and failures and all about our lives, he's not shocked or surprised by anything. He KNOWS us, better than we know ourselves. He wants us to acknowledge our need FOR HIM. I have to say, God, I need your help.... This is not to say that God never does things without us asking, but I do know, in many cases, He does want us to admit our need or the fact we are in the wrong and then ask for his help!

Maybe someday soon I will actually be able to say I need help and truly mean it from the depths of my soul! I pray it will be soon.

Living to know Christ

These days, it seems that God is trying to get my attention. The sermon series at Blackhawk church the last few weeks has been on the "idols" in our lives: success, money, image, family/friends.... Then in the Daily Audio Bible reading for today was the passage Phil 3 (not to mention the O.T. passage has been the same area that the sermon series has dwelt). In Phil 3 Paul talks about how he had the right to boast about his life b/c he was a pure blood Jew, a pharisee and a zealot for Christ yet none of that really counted in God's eyes because it was worthless compared to the fact that Christ suffered immeasurably. He goes on to say that his desire is to know Christ more and to know him so well he can understand and know the suffering Christ went through.

Even with everything Paul had accomplished, he still knew that he was no where near what God had created him to be and to do. He wrote to encourage the Philippians to keep striving towards God's views of "perfection". To let them know they have no right to brag about their past accomplishments and to forget the past. To keep their eyes on the future and to keep obey what they already know they need to be doing, but to also continue to be open to new teachings God shows them.

Somehow, someway, I need to get to the place in my life that I truly strive after God. That I can know him and want to share in his suffering. I know I am not at that place in my life. I continue to allow life to distract me from the things God wants me to focus on. I spend my time, working on homework, watching TV/movies, reading all about my friend's lives on Facebook and so many other worthless pursuits. None of which are bad, in and of themselves, but when my life is spent focusing on them, where will I be in the future? I will never have the relationship with Christ that I want to desire to have. I will still be in this mediocre Christian life.

Sometimes I wonder, if maybe the reason I have never had a relationship with a man, is because God wants me to have a closer relationship with him first. That maybe, a human relationship would distract me even further from knowing Christ. But, then I think that probably isn't the case because my desire to have a relationship that could lead to marriage is just as distracting as being in a relationship, so I am still left wondering why I am 30 and have always been single.

So, the goal for the rest of this year, is to spend the time I devote to getting to know Christ, in a more meaningful way. To stop allowing myself the distractions of life and truly spend the time desiring to know Christ in a deeper way.

Bra Shopping

A friend of mine has a sister who owns a lingerie shop, Contours Lingerie, here in Madison. I won a gift certificate, for the shop, last year, but was still in ultra weight loss mode and didn't want to buy something I wouldn't be able to use very long. Well, I've been at such a plateau lately, I decided to just go in and use it. My current size has not changed much since I've put back some of my weight, so as long as I can stay semi stable or lose at a slower pace, I think I will remain about the same. So, who knew that your base number is the actual inches around your rib cage? Most places I read say to add a certain amount to the ribcage size. So, instead of being a 34/36, I am actually a 30. This, of course, means the cup size changes drastically. This explains why I've never been able to find a bra that truly fit me well. I'm not quite ready to share my cup size with the world (or the few of you that seem to be reading this), but lets just say I will never find it in a normal store. Now the next step is finding more affordable bras at that size. Contours Lingerie is a great shop, but they don't carry many everyday type bras, it has lots of fun underwear and some very cute bras, but not many are "practical". While I would love to spend money on fun/sexy bras, I just have no reason for them. The majority of the shop is really cute neglige'/lingerie type clothing, again, nothing I need to be wearing since most of it is meant to be taken off more than worn:-). Someday, I will have a husband and will excitedly buy cute items like that from Contours Lingerie and other shops, but without the husband, it is not justifiable. It's a bit depressing that I am 30 and still do not get to use fun neglige's. Sometimes having specific convictions really suck, but I know that this is something that is a real conviction, I just don't always like it!

Exciting News on the school front!!!

So I found out today that I have the potential to Clep out of 24 credits! That means that I may only have to take 3 total classes left, so maybe into the middle of February, and then the rest of the classes I can clep out of. The only thing I forgot to ask is what will happen once I finish all the classes I have to take via Ashford. Do I have to take all the Clep tests in a short amount of time, or can I take 2-3 weeks to study per class and still be ok with the University, financial aid and all the other official stuff to make sure I can graduate with my BA. If all goes like I hope it will, I will be finished with writing papers in less than 4 months. Then I'll have to study, study, study for exams for probably 3-4 months, but that still allows me to be finished by May, June at the latest!!!! That is almost 5 months earlier than scheduled and I will have saved myself approximately $7000!!!!WoooWhoooo!!!

Anyone have any good suggestions for CLEP test prep courses or books to get all the info I need to know for these tests? I know I'll have to take Biology, American History II, American Literature, Humanities, and Information Systems and Computer Applications.

I need your help

While it would be cool to suddenly be an overnight sensation, I am not writing this blog with that in mind. For those of you that are reading this on occasion, I would love it if you would comment on it and let me know what you like or don't like. I'm still learning how to set the site up, so if there are any things you think would be more user friendly, please let me know.

One area I'm not sure how to fix is the "sign up to get posts emailed". I can't figure out why it shows just the text box and submit icon, but doesn't say what it is you are submitting. I type in the title in the "add gadget"box, but it doesn't show up on the blog site. Any suggestions?

I would love to know where you are and how you found my blog!

Thanks for reading!

"Dietgirl" Inspiration!

I finished Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl and loved the book. Shauna is an inspiration to all of us that are in the overweight category and trying to lose a few pounds the natural way, rather than the extremes. Sure, she did go through some extreme times, but eventually she came to the realization that extremes are not healthy. A quote I loved and even highlighted in the book, sums up what we need to realize. "Weight loss isn't about willpower or motivation; it's just the cumulative effect of tiny actions over time. Putting down the chocolate bars, putting on the running shoes. You just have to keep picking yourself up when you fall, over and over again, for however long it takes (p. 339)." I am definitely at this point in my weight loss journey. I've done the extreme (Medifast, HCg/Zola diet, Every other day only fruit, then whatever you want the second day...), and sure it worked for the time I was on it, but I put back on most of the weight I'd lost. Honestly when I look back at the last couple years of true hard core weight loss, the weight I've lost and kept off has been the hard work and eating semi naturally lbs, i.e., limiting sugar and swapping refined carbs for whole grains and some gluten free products.

I still have a long way to go in my journey. My body does not want to let go and lose any more. I seem to lose a couple pounds over the weekend when I am able to get enough sleep and am able to eat healthier all day. Then during the week, I get up too early and only get 6-7 hours of sleep each night, it's as if my body puts on 2-3 lbs just because I'm not getting enough sleep. Somehow, I need to find a balance where I can lose a  couple pounds over the weekend, then maintain all week and lose a couple more the next weekend. If I could get my body to relax and follow this plan, I would be at my goal of 155 by Christmas. For now, I'm going to keep plugging away and limiting my junk food (still indulging occasionally), eating lots of veggies and some fruit, eating mostly whole grains and even trying gluten free ( I have noticed I do better eating less gluten, but I haven't been able to figure out which things cause discomfort). I've also switched to using primarily Stevia for anything I need to sweeten, unless it is in baking, then it's just too expensive. In addition to eating healthier and changing my lifestyle, I am also walking (with some bursts of running) and have added some yoga to my workouts. Eventually my body is going to have to let go of some of the weight as the muscle takes over the fat.

I still have a long way to go in the emotional/mental department as well. I still feel inferior to skinny people, which is so wrong. I would never look at a person larger than myself and think that they were inferior to me or not as smart as I am. Frankly, there are several women I know that are my size or larger and I know for a fact they are far more intelligent than I could ever hope to be. I struggle in large groups, partly from my introverted personally and partly from the emotional blockage. When someone asks, "Did you have anything fun happen this week?", I won't pipe up until I know everyone else has said something and all is quiet because "Why would anyone want to hear about me and my great plans?" and if the the conversation turns before I get a chance to respond, I just don't pipe up. I also still feel like the overweight girl I've been for most of my life, even though I am finally in the average sizing and I do not have to go to plus size stores to find clothes that fit. Even with putting some of my weight back on, I can still fit into 12/14 jeans in name brand stores. Apparently I am not the only one that feels this way because Shauna listed a few areas she still struggled with, in her book, even after losing approximately 160 lbs she still felt inadequate:

• "I am inferior to anyone thinner than me.
• Any success I have is undeserved, or at best a really big fluke.
• No matter how much weight I lose, I'll still look like a Big Girl to most people.
• Nobody wants to hear about my weight loss success. They'll just think, Why'd you get so bloody fat in the first place?..." (p.370)

I often feel these same emotions and will look at women I know that are around my current size or slightly smaller and wonder how can they be so confident in themselves. They have wonderful boyfriends that "love them and all their wobbly bits" to quote Mark Darcy from Bridget Jones Diary, the Edge of Reason. I, on the other hand, look at a nice looking guy and assume he would never look twice at me because I am not NY model thin. Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will learn to love myself and let other people love me. Maybe once that has happened, I might finally get the boyfriend/husband I've been dreaming about for 15 years. I also need to learn to get my identity from Christ. Not from what others think about me, not my family, friends, guys I know or want to meet. No one's approval should mean more to me that what Christ thinks of me. If I am not living for Christ, I will never find the satisfaction I so desparately need.

Frustration

Sometimes life sucks! It seems like everything you think you are doing right just seems to fall down around you. You interview for a job and it looks like it is a promising position and everything you are wanting, yet a week later you have not heard from the interviewer. You break a personal record when it comes to distance/time of your walking/running and work out 7 out of 7 days and are pretty careful with what you eat all week. What do you get in return a 2-3 lb gain on the scale. You think you have a roommate lined up, but then she starts to sound like she's backing out or at least will not be moving in as soon as you need her to. In addition to all this, you are still no closer to getting a boyfriend then you were at the beginning of the year, which means the goal of being engaged by Christmas is probably not going to be happening. Oh, and then there is the constant papers I have to write for my classes. My weekends are filled with writing papers and I know I still have about a year left of writing a paper at least 3 out of every 5 weeks.

I don't want to be one of those people that thinks God is out to get me, but sometimes I start to wonder if God really has my best in mind. I don't understand how all the desires I have seem to be things God does not want for me or if he does, he seems to think I must wait for all of my desires to be fulfilled. What is it I am missing? What is God trying to teach me? Is it really all about me finding a true sense of patience? I know my relationship with God is not at an all time best, but really, do all my prayer requests have get the answer "No!"

You know, I find it very weird that in one sense I can be on the verge of tears with the frustration of my life and then in the same breath I am fine and my mind shuts off the complaints and goes on with life. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism or denial. I guess I will just have to keep waiting to see what God has in store. I know he won't give up on me, so I won't give up on him, no matter how depressing my life may seem at the precise moment.

"The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl"

This weekend I have been reading a book I picked up from Goodwill a couple weeks ago. It is the book form of a blog. The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl is written by Shauna Reid an amazingly strong woman who struggled for seven years to get her weight down from 351 to 175. She had months of great success and then life would happen and she would gain 10, 20, 30 lbs back over the course of a few weeks or months. She would finally hit her wall again and start her diet back up. She had the help of her wonderful sister and had many adventures as she found a confidence in herself that only she could find. In addition to reaching her goal, she also found love through one of her adventures and is now married. I am not finished with the book, but she has been such an inspiration for me. I have not had to deal with near as many issues as Shauna dealt with, nor did my weight loss journey begin anywhere near as daunting a journey as hers, but I have felt many of the emotions she has and have definitely dealt with the gains and losses. I would be 100 lbs by now if I hadn't gained weight I'd already lost and then had to re-lose it. Of course, I am not looking to be 100 lbs ever, I'm just sayin'.... One of the emotions Shauna dealt with is the embarrassment of sharing with people just how much of an accomplishment she had achieved. For people that just meet you, you are an average sized woman, and it's just awkward to let them know. It's like you are having to rehash all the old embarrassments and insecurities every time someone finds out you've lost 40, 50, 60 lbs... It's also embarrassing when you know you have put weight back on and every time you see someone that hasn't seen you in a few weeks, you wonder "Do they notice I'm bigger?". Even when it's only a 10 lb gain, which for most people is not noticeable except to the person doing the gaining, it can cause you to become a recluse all over again. Turning down outings, avoiding eye contact (even more than usual) and just generally not being as social as you may have been. For me it can be even worse because I am already an introvert and it takes a lot to get me out to group outings by myself as it is, when you add a drop in self esteem it pretty much cancels all social outings for me. I'm not really sure where all this was going, other than to say it's so nice to know that us skinny challenged women feel similar feelings when it comes the dieting world and all that entails. If you are ever feeling like you are the only one with certain emotions when it comes to gaining and losing weight, I highly recommend checking out Shauna's book or blog.

Operation 155-Melaleuca Style

Yet again, I have let several weeks creep by without writing anything. Initially I wanted to make this blog just about the weight loss and spiritual journey, but I think if I just start writing whatever is on my mind these days, maybe I'll write more often. However, for this entry it will be more about the weight loss issues. My weight is slowly creeping back on and it is getting extremely frustrating. I will not blame it completely on hormones, but there have definitely been some issues with my hormones recently. I'm thinking they are getting back to normal, but we shall see. In addition to the hormonal imbalances, I also had two weeks of vacation (I will explain my vacation adventure in a separate entry.). Needless to say, an all nighter road trip to start out the vacation did nothing for my weightloss. It definitely could have been worst, but I am still left with extra weight and clothes that are almost too tight.

Operation 155 is a go!

 I figure small goals are in order at this stage of my weight loss journey. I refuse to go back to the quick fix gimmicks and have decided to just do the slow and steady route. Operation 155 is the goal for the end of the year...to be 155 by Dec. 31st. I know, original name right:-)? My plan is to work out 3-5 times a week and eat sensibly. I will not cut out any particular food group completely because that just leads me to crave it and eventually binge on it. I am also using Melaleuca's weight loss/workout system throughout my day to see if that will help lose the weight. Melaleuca's system consists of Access bars or shakes that you eat 15 minutes before a workout. This is supposed to help your body burn more fat during the workout. Throughout the workout there is the Sustain drink that is similar to Gatorade, helping replace electrolytes and improve endurance during the workout (I don't like to carry a water bottle while I'm walk/running so I drink some before and after my walk.). Once the workout is finished you drink Proflex which is a protein shake that is supposed to help your muscles repair faster so that your body is ready for the next work out. In addition to this system Melaleuca has Attain bars and shakes that you eat in between meals to help curb cravings and satisfy you until the next official meal. To some degree I think this system can help because replacing a meal with the protein shake as well as following the Attain and Access recommendations, satisfies me and helps me eliminate eating other junk I might eat instead, reducing total calories, carbs and sugar eaten during the day.  Plus, since I am specifically using them (minus Attain, which I'll use regardless of workouts) in conjunction with a workout, I'm adding additional benefits to the day.

My workouts these days consist of several things. I've added some yoga to my life thanks to the iYoga app. I also walk/run 3-5 days a week. When I say walk/run, I mostly mean walk with some short bursts of running. My walk pace tends to be close to 17-18 min/mile but with my running bursts I'm able to cut my average down to just under 15 min/mile for a 3 mi stretch. I am not looking to ever become a runner-I find it way too boring for the tiresomeness of the exercise. My eventual goal will be to get down to being able to average out my walk/run to about a 12 min/mile. I think that will be my ultimate goal for when I hit my ultimate goal of 135 lbs ( I'll worry about that goal in 2012). In addition to my walk/runs and yoga, I have also begun Water Aerobic classes at Gold's Gym. I'm totally in love with them!!! Unfortunately, the classes are not at the most opportune times, so I can only make one or two a week, potentially less depending on my fall schedule. The classes consist of some deep water exercises (you use noodles or a floating device/belt to stay afloat), the use of "water dumbbells" and then adding regular aerobic exercises to water. It looks so simple when you watch a class, but really it is quite a workout. I didn't realize just how hard I had worked after one of my first classes, until the next day, when my lungs felt like I had run all out for 10 minutes straight. The instructors are laid back and give you no pressure attitudes, plus the regulars are mostly 50 or above and very chatty. We are quite the eclectic group of women-all ages, shapes and sizes and everyone is welcome! So, there you have it, Operation 155 is laid out. I am going to try to figure out how to put a count down box up, but we shall see if that works.

Anyone want to join me in my challenge to drop 15 lbs by the 2012?

What is your addiction

I was watching an episode of My Strange Addiction on TLC tonight. Three women from age 18 and 26 had addictions that are not drug related but are just as harmful. One has been eating plastic for 11 years-she turned to plastic after being abused as a child. How sad for her that she had to find comfort in such a harmful way when God can be the comfort she so desperately needed then and now. The other woman is hurting desperately over the sudden death of her husband. Two months after his death, she carries around the urn with her dead husbands ashes everywhere she goes. In addition to that, she started eating his ashes and thinks she cannot live if she has to lose her husband again (by no longer having any of his ashes left). Not only is this disgusting, but it is also extremely harmful to the body due to the embalming fluids used. The scary thing is: she didn't just think one day "I wonder what it would be like to taste the ashes?" She had opened the box to transfer the ashes for some reason and got some of the ashes on her hand. She couldn't bare the thought of losing any part of him and the best solution she came up with was to lick her fingers. When she allowed herself to process it, it became an obsession and made her feel closer to him again. Addictions don't tend to just become so horrible that it consumes the person, it is a gradual process that you one day wake up and realize you cannot think of anything but that thing. While I do not feel I have any addictions or obsession that have gone to the extreme like these two women, I do know there are things in my life that I allow my head and emotions to control rather than going to God for decisions and to satisfy the cravings in my soul. My potential addiction is dieting/eating. I know I still have some weight to lose and that is a fact, but there has to be a healthy balance between eating healthy, enjoying life, exercise and making sure that when I am eating it is because my stomach tells me I am hungry, not because something in my head says I need to eat. I read in a book the other day that when it is hunger you feel it in your lower region, when it isn't hunger you feel it in your upper region. I frequently find myself continuing to eat long after I'm satisfied, but I don't tend to eat because of my emotions. It is more out of boredom. I also discovered tonight that I eat to avoid things, such as doing homework:-( Just like the women above, I need to go to a higher power instead of giving in to desires that are not healthy. When my mind is saying I need to eat, but my stomach is saying I'm full, I need to pray and give my craving to God. I need to fill these cravings with God. Maybe, if I allow God to take control of my life, I will naturally begin to lose the cravings for food that is not needed. I don't want to stop enjoying desserts or become rigid about every bite of food I put in my mouth, but I do need to stop continuing to go back to the fridge just to avoid doing something or because I am bored with what I am doing at the moment.

Water Aerobics

If only life could be as great as water aerobics. I have recently been introduced to the Aqua Force and Aqua Boot Camp from Gold's Gym. They are amazing and I think I'm in love. The time went by pretty quickly and every time I thought a particular muscle couldn't handle it, the instructor would switch up the muscle that was the main target. It was great. What's really cool is my lungs feel like I ran several miles rather than enjoyed myself in the water. If I can increase my endurance in a slightly less strenuous way and then switch to actual running on land, I may just learn to enjoy running. The cool thing is you can take that work out and apply it to life. God's grace never gives us more than we can handle and just when we think we can't handle any more of a specific thing stressing our lives, the intensity changes. That does not mean life will just get easier as a whole, but there always seems to be something that just gives us that breath we need to get through the next hurdle in life. Somehow miraculously we survive the hurdles, no matter how high they are in the moment. Now, if only I can remember that in the moment!

40 lbs lighter and plugging away...

So, I now have the confidence in myself to share my before/present photos. This picture was taken in India in March of '08 and I was pretty much around this size give or take a few pounds most my my 20's. After my postings at the end of '09 and all though 2010 and up to the present I have continued to work on losing weight and get to a healthy place in my life.

I am now at least 40 lbs lighter than I was in this photo and still working on getting healthier. My profile photo is a bit deceptive, in that it hides the areas I am still working on, but overall I feel so much better about myself than I did 3 years ago.

(I'm the curly haired chick, second from the right.)

My weight loss journey began starting with the small things. Adding a few more vegetables to my repertoire and actually exercising on a more regular basis. I joined a small women's gym-similar to Curves in September of 2009 and then switched gyms to Gold's Gym in October of 2010. While I have had months of more activity than other months, I have stayed consistent and have not let myself completely stop moving. As for the dieting I have done a couple of things that have been a definite help, but still have their flaws. I started following the Belly Fat Cure plan and was able to lose about 10 lbs before hearing about a form of the HCG diet. There are definitely pros and cons to both and both do work (at least they did for me- to some degree). The HcG diet I followed did work, but it was not without it's struggles and my sister and I found that we seemed to be the exception to the rule for people that had issues after the fact. The long explainaiton of the program is that you go in 4 phases of the diet. The first two phases you take HCG every day. The first 2 days you stock up on extra fat to allow your body to have easy access to freshly stored fat from a high fat binge, then you go on a highly restrictive diet (described in Dr. Simeon's Pounds and Inches book) for a minimum of 21 days but up to 40 days. Then in phase three you begin adding foods back (everything but starches and sugar) for 6 weeks. Phase four is where you begin eating "normally" again, but you pay attention to your body and figure out what foods are your triggers that either cause you to crave the unhealthy foods or cause you to gain weight. Overall you are supposed to be able to eat a normal amount of food and enjoy most foods and as long as you don't go back to eating all refined starches and boxed foods you should be able to maintain your weight loss. This has been true for me to some extent, but it was not nearly has easy as it is supposed to be. I did three rounds of phases 1-3 and lost about 20 lbs each time, unfortunately the time inbetween the rounds I gained some back so my total loss from the beginning of my 2009 weight loss adventure has leveled off at 40 lbs. There is a part of me that wants to try it one more time and see if I can lose that last 20-25 lbs I think I need to lose, but all the struggles I've had trying to eat normally and not gain causes me to hesitate. My plan right now is to try to follow more of the Belly Fat Cure principle which is limiting refined carbs and sugar, but allowing for some of both. The problem with this is that the sugar count doesn't matter whether it comes from fruit, veg or an actual sugar substance, so it limits the amount of fruit and some veggies you can eat. Somehow I believe there has to be a way you can eat the fruits and veggies God created for us to eat and limit other foods and be able to lose weight without having to live on 1500 calories a day. I would rather live at a slightly larger size and enjoy life than live in a perpetually hungry state in order to maintain my ultimate dream size. I have also kind of teamed up with a friend to be an accountability partner to help encourage me to continue to work out regularly and eat right!

So, this picture was taken around the middle of the journey and I'm consistently gone up and down a bit from this point, but for the most part look about this weight now, but this was taken September 2010.

I'm back...after a long hiatus

Hello world, it's been a couple months...or 18:-) So much has happened in the last year and a half, I will have to take the next few post be catching up on life. Here are a few highlights:

• I've fluctuated in officially poundage lost, but have maintained around the 40 lb mark.
• I started back to school in July 2010-getting a Bachelors in Healthcare Administration
• Still looking for a new job.
• I have a new niece that was adopted in March of last year.
• I finally went out on a "real" date (3 different dates, to be exact-more on those in another post).
• I'm again without a roommate.
• I hit a major milestone: I'm officially 30!
• My mom is almost completely cancer free-only by God's grace!!!

I'm sure there are more things that have happened, but that's a lot of time to try to figure out everything that has happened.